Fear of the Process

This afternoon my reading was the Stanford Blood and Marrow Transplant Program. This is the 101 page handbook for the procedure, an autologous blood and marrow transplant, that I am planning to go through beginning September 27th. I am trying to absorb a whole ton of information now after carefully reading this thing. In Joyce’s words, “this is going to be a horrible experience” and yet, “this is going to be a hopeful experience that probably will save my life.” I know that I most likely will not experience all the listed side effects and possible “life threatening” situations. In fact my local oncologist said that people in my general health range usually do well with this procedure. Nevertheless, It is a bit unnerving to read about everything that could happen in the procedure. It is going to be a long 3-6 month procedure. I am thankful that Joyce is committed to being there throughout the process and, of course, for Jesus’ promise “I will never leave you or forsake you.”

Someone asked me the other day how I go through this process with so much positivity and lack of fear. I laughed a little because, when I think about it, I am terrified. First, as I always warn the nurses, I am a wimp when it comes to pain and I’m scared of that. Second, even though there is a detailed plan here, there is a huge unknown factor as well which can make one very nervous when dwelt upon. So there is not a lack of fear in my heart. I have been encouraged to talk about it and have felt better when I do. In fact, I feel better by writing this. I know this is what I need to do, so I am strapping on my helmet and will carry the ball into the line as hard as I can (Sorry I still think in sports analogies) no matter how big the opponents are. I also know that healing comes faster to positive people and so I have tried hard to take my thoughts into captivity and avoid the dark mind caves and holes. I have to say my prayer and meditation discipline has improved considerably with all this extra motivation. I am taking the “how” of going through the cancer process as my ministry right now and try to stay focused on that. I appreciate that many people are praying for me and I know that has been a major factor in being able to stay positive through all of this. Thank you!.