Some Thoughts About Control

I am not in control.  This is been impressed on me throughout this whole bout with illness.  My hair is falling out and there's nothing I can do about it. But God has every hair on my head numbered. That's an easier task now. I'd like to keep my beard but that's going too. There's absolutely nothing I can do to keep the hairs on my head.

I can't drive a car because of the numbness in my right foot from my edema. So I have to be a passenger dependent on others to drive me around. The normal daily things in life, that I do used to do without even thinking, I need to have a procedure to get through. And sometimes even that process goes horribly wrong. Even more humbling…for 14 years I have been president of PIU. People came to me and asked my advice and got permission from me to do things. Now PIU goes on without me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to come back and I really have no control over whether that happens or not. In fact, humanly speaking, I probably won't ever be back at PIU.  Thankfully, we are not reduced to humanly speaking; we have God speaking into our lives, and it's up to him whether I get back to Guam and PIU, or not.  Right now I am the passenger. I am not driving my life any more.

Of course, as I am sure you know, any thought that I was in control of anything was just an illusion. Last night, as I was lying awake from the prednisone at 4 A.M., it was like God was saying “haven't you learned you really aren't in control?” Then, this morning in my devotions, I ran into two psalms that asked God, “What are human beings that you even think about them?” Like Job we think we can we can hold God accountable, but that almost laughable idea was literally blown away, as God appears to him in the storm and basically says ”you're accountable to me Job, not the other way around.”  We are made in the image of God and God delegates some power and control to us to do His work, but ultimately all that control is God's and it all has to be used for him, in his power and in a daily walk with His Holy Spirit.  We have an illusion of control, but we’re not really in control. It can all be taken away in an instant. Now, that could be a reason to be scared. That could be a reason to worry, but it shouldn’t be. Because the one who is in control of all creation is the one who loves me and is ultimately in control of my life and everything around me. He promises to work all the chaotic events swirling around me to my good and to walk with me as they swirl. And yet day by day I try to run things myself.  God says “let me be in control.  Let me manage your life.” This is the way to go and I know it. The funny thing is that now I really have no choice but to trust. And, you know, it is a good feeling.